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Grief is an experience that all of us will encounter in our lifetime. It is a very challenging season for the person who has lost a loved one and it can also be hard for those who wish to support the grieving. Even though I experienced the loss of my sister 5 years ago and my Dad’s passing in May, I can still get stuck when desiring to care for people who are navigating grief. Nancy Guthrie has written a book called What Grieving People Wish You Knew, and the following points are gleaned from this book, alongside my own experience of grief.

Assumptions that prevent us from caring well

We all have assumptions about what the grieving person needs and desires. Let’s address three of the most common ones and offer an alternative.

Assumption - I said to call if they need anything.

It is very difficult for grieving people to reach out, to ask someone to come over to sort laundry or mow the lawn, even if that is what they need. They often don’t have the clarity or energy.

Alternative: Assess what they need and ask if you can do it with them or for them.

‍Assumption - They probably only want to be with family or close friends.

We tend to assume that someone who knows them better is taking care of them in their time of need. But that may not necessarily be the case, as some people find it difficult to be in the grief space.

Alternative: reach out to the grieving in a meaningful way, as new and deeper friendships can be forged in the season of grief.

Assumption - They most likely want to be left alone and I don’t want to intrude.

It’s true that many grieving people haven’t got the energy to engage with others. Grief, however, is extremely lonely and isolating. So it makes a huge difference to know that they are not forgotten.

Alternative: persevere with keeping in contact, even if your offers of companionship may be turned down. Engage with them so they know they are not forgotten.

What to say

We often feel at a loss to know what to say to someone who has just lost a loved one, even if we have experienced grief ourselves. Acknowledging their grief, though, is so much better than saying nothing at all. The following words can help recognise their pain:

“I’m deeply sorry for the passing of (insert name), they will be greatly missed.”

“I’m so sorry for the pain and loss you are experiencing at present.”

“I’ve had a taste of grief but I don’t presume to know what your grief is like. I am praying for you.”

We generally like to finish conversations on a happy note, but that’s not always reality. Sentences that start with “At least…” minimise the person’s pain and loss eg “At least you had 54 years together” or “At least you can try and have another baby”. Offering real comfort to those who are grieving isn’t about ‘fixing’ them with a positive thought. It’s about acknowledging their loss and accepting them for where they are at, which includes being ok with their tears and sadness.

It’s also helpful to avoid sentences that tell them what to do – “You need to eat something”, “You ought to see a doctor”, etc. You may be exactly right! But it’s better to come alongside them as they figure things out. A gentler approach would be “I wonder if…” and see if that ‘lands’ with them. Grieving people are usually not looking for advice. What they do need are caring, wise and loving friends to talk with them about decisions that need to be made in a time when it is hard to think clearly.

A helpful guideline when talking with hurting people is to listen more than you talk and not make it about you. You may have experienced a similar loss in your life, but everyone’s grief journey is different. So make it about them by listening well and keep your grief experience for another time when they may ask for your input.

What to do

God has wired us all differently, which is a blessing. You may not be comfortable engaging conversationally with someone who is grieving but would like to show your care through actions.

Here is a list of actions that convey love and concern:

• Write a card/txt/email
• Offer to do some grocery shopping
• Deliver a meal and/or invite them over for a meal
• Provide snacks for their household
• Offer a bed in your home for visiting family or friends
• Deposit money into their account to cover some expenses eg a meal on the night of the funeral
• Offer babysitting
• Create a thoughtful care package
• Deliver coffee and pastries on an appropriate day eg. the day after the funeral

Nancy sums up her book with the following words:

“If I had to boil down the message of this entire book to just two words, these two would probably cover it: show up.”

That is the essence of caring for people who are suffering loss and we show up when we address assumptions with a better alternative, acknowledge their pain with our words and express our love for them through thoughtful actions. May these ideas enable us to care well for the grieving as we “mourn with those who mourn” (Rom 12:15).

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Guthrie, N. (2016). What grieving people wish you knew about what really helps (and what really hurts). Crossway.

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